Tuesday, May 17, 2011

6 Years ago.....

I was pregnant with my second and getting ready for my husband to leave for a month of training when I had a horrible dream.  I will never forget it.  I dreamed that my grandfather had died at home and it having something to do with his chest.  Now to be honest I don't remember if I knew he was sick at the time or if we found out shortly after.  It was very close together.  I also remember in my dream he died at 3:16 that dream stuck with me for a long time I couldn't shake it like other dreams.

Well either just before or after this dream my grandfather was admitted to the hospital and they had a few ideas from TB (huge worry because I had been near him and gave him kisses and was pregnant) ro lung cancer.  Well after a week (felt longer to me) it was lung cancer I was shaken and taken back.  Everyone I had known that had cancer up to that point in my life had died to be fair there were not many but enough.  I was scared I was going to lose someone I loved someone who had been in my life a part of it for as far back as I could remember.

I remember he wasn't given to much time and that it was quite advanced and they started Chemo.  Man that stuff not sure i could do it.  I remember visits where he would sleep all day and I would beg and ask him to just have a sip of a drink for me, or bite of something to eat.  I never pressed as hard as I wanted to maybe I should have maybe it would have helped.  I don't know if it would have.

Then the day came when I woke up to my dad calling me.  I knew it must have been about grandpa as the time difference was great and it was early for him.  We had lost him at home early in the morning I don't remember time but I know it was close to the time of my dream.  I remember the feeling I had when my dad told me.  My heart sank, while my grandfather and I were not close he was a part of my family and someone I loved someone I miss.  I wonder would the family and the memories be the same with out him.

I remember after getting off the phone with my dad I called Jon, I was a wreck already he knew when he answered what was wrong and got time off to come home and hold me. He held me while a bawled like a baby, it was a dirty messy snotty cry, yet here is my solder husband holding me gentle but firm and understanding of my grief.  My selfish grief.  During that cry I never thought of the pain he was feeling reliving the loss of many people in his life or the lose of my grandfather had on him.  It wasn't until months later I learned of the bond he felt with my grandfather the comfort he had in talking shop with him that was now gone.

He lost someone he trusted to talk to someone he could sit in a room say five things and they had a talk.  That is how he explained it to me.  Grief made me selfish.  But he understood and I am thankful for that.

And her it is 6 years later and I have since had my baby, and we named him Frederick after the lose of my grandfather I felt the need to name him after my dad who was named after my grandfather it was important he came from a line of strong men.  My husband agree it was a family name on his side to.

I was talking just the other night with my husband about my grandfather and it's a shock to me it's been so long it feels like it's only been a few years. Like three max to me.  This pain was brought back up when I lost my grandmother(mother side) earlier this year and this Sunday I found out my other grandfather (mom's side) is in the hospital for heart problems and I am sure I will get that call again all to soon and loose someone else.  I grieved for my grandmother it was different than my grandfather maybe because I really didn't know her she was a woman that sent cards and letters and gifts that I met twice that I can remember and my grandfather was in many memories.

He was at my wedding and introduced as my family, he was at every family dinner and when Aunt Lori was there she has to sit next to her dad.  Or how he was one of the few if not only people that would eat oyster stuffing.  He smile I still see it.I miss him.  I know he wasn't always the man I remember and I know he wasn't always the easiest to get to know but I loved him, I miss the good bye kisses on the scruffy check.  I miss his silly games.

One last story, I will never forget the story of my dad finding a plastic dove at the fire hall where we had the reception after the service.  I remember sitting there hearing dad and my grandma talk just knowing it was what they thought.  See sadly my dad who was so very close to my grandpa wasn't able to be at his bed side to say good bye he did over the phone I am told but we all know it's not the same.  Anyways I believe it was my grandpa's way of saying see JR I made I am fine, let you ma know.  And later that night he did he gave her that dove after asking about one of there fav songs to dance to "Wings of a Dove" if I remember right.  I remember the tears and everything.  It was a touching moment that I am glad I was a part of.

I was also a part of a moment in which grandpa moved the dove around the kitchen and watching my grandmother say I will fix his ass and glue it down hahaha I will never forget that.

I don't know why I wrote this crazy mess or even hit publish but I felt a need to I miss him a great deal and sad he won't meet three of my children but I do believe he is watching over them and even sometimes playing cars with them.  I am not even sure I remember everything right but it is how I remember those events. I just felt the need to share them.

So hug those that you love and remember we are never promised tomorrow. Let them know you love them.

2 comments:

  1. Really girl? I have things to do today and here I sit...a sobbing mess :-) with your dad, a half a world away. Your grandpa was one of the finest men I've ever had the privilege of knowing and I remember feeling so cheated that I didn't get more time with him. He called me on my birthday, even when my own father never did. He spoke with friends about my roses. I have a bright multi-colored Joseph's Coat rose outside my office window that is there just to honor his memory and I can't help but think of him every time I trim them because he so appreciated them. Rick and I talk about missing out on spending more time with him here and all the things about our area we would have loved to have shared with him. There are no words to describe the how much your dad misses him. I think it is good to remember our loved ones and I am grateful to have read your thoughts. love you.

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  2. Sorry to make you a sobbing mess and I know dad misses them they always seemed to have a special bond to me. I think it was unfair that dad wasn't there but I know that's life. I look back now and I am glad dad called and told me and not someone else. It's hard to think it's been 6 years. He was just one of those men who said a lot with out saying much at all. I was blessed to have him in my life. And like you Jon feels cheated he was the first grandfather like figure Jon ever had. But I did see it at the time Jon was being strong for me while he grieved but I have great memories and I plan on sharing them with my children.

    Love you too send dad my love.

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